Broken Hearts, Broken Children: A Call for Compassion

In times of formidable stress, it is imperative that you keep your own body and soul together. With the emotional drain of marital indecision, you may ask "How much positive energy can I conceivably expend on behalf of my kids, my spouse and myself when I'm not sure if I'm staying or going?"

There is no way to be sensitive to the subtle nuances of raw conflict in yourself, your spouse, or your children all at once. In the process of making dual living arrangements, some parents will become so absorbed in their children's demands that they neglect themselves.

Fretting over the sorry state of your marriage, you don't feel in good shape. You feel vulnerable and needy. Your children see you teary-eyed, and you are torn apart by trying to hide your feelings. When you can't, you feel guilty.

In a bizarre way, though you're in no shape to get yourself unstuck, some of you may be worrying more about your spouse and your kids than yourself.

To have compassion for yourself as a parent and a person is to accept that you will always wish that you didn't have to deal with your marital mess. To be hard on yourself because you can't fix yourself, your spouse, or your children--it's all too big for you-- is tough on your morale.

To tell yourself "I shouldn't feel sorry for myself" is to be unsympathetic and will make you feel worse than ever. That is what I tell my dejected clients: "Take a few minutes every day (if needed) to feel sorry for yourself. After all, if you don't, who will?"

To blame yourself for being angry or fearful is a short route to a down-in-the-dumps mood.Tell yourself, "These feelings speak for who I am--my fundamental self. Rather than fight with my emotions, I accept them for the way they are and move on."

I believe our attitudes and actions speak for who we are. Rather than diminish your feelings or bemoan your flaws, consider what you do well, what you do right. Then do what you can to change your unskilled behaviors.

Be good to your children and be good to yourself. As you take an interest in improving yourself through healthy living, you will be in better shape to competently take care of your youngsters.

In June, I will continue to address the needs of children entrapped in the trauma of a conflicted marriage.

This is an excerpt from Chapter 11 of Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage (Contemporary Books,1999) (More information located at http://www.leeraffel.com/about_cs.html)