When Telling the Children Is Awkward

June

A Pending Marital Situation:
When Telling the Children Is Awkward

Some parents are so ill at ease they find it awkward to face their children and talk about their separation. I've heard many naive parents state, "Why should I say anything to the kids--they wouldn't understand anyway!" It's true that nothing good comes of telling your children the gory details of your marital tempest; however, that does not mean you should keep them in the dark about your pending separation.

Ironically, if you think you are protecting your children--freeing them from unnecessary worry--by not saying anything about your intention to separate or your already separated status, you are in fact only protecting yourself and ducking your responsibilities.

You do your children a grave disservice when they get the impression they don't count because you aren't up-front with them. You might get the very reactions you hoped to avoid--retaliation and rejection.

Be aware: your discerning children talk amongst themselves and sometimes to their friends. They can easily misconstrue any mention of separation as meaning divorce. To make certain your youngsters are not unduly suspicious or misinformed, take the time to sit down with them and explain the situation as it is.

Controlled Separation: A Guilt-Ridden Daddy
On the eve of Marge and Henry's Controlled Separation, Marge tried not to sound alarmed as she explained to Becky, five, and Annie, seven, that Daddy was moving out. Henry, however, was so crippled with shame he couldn't face his daughters. A few days after he moved out, he told me how disgusted he was with himself for being so incompetent. I told him to bring both girls to meet me.

When Henry arrived with his daughters in tow, I asked to sit each girl on one knee while I spoke for him. Then I asked Becky and Annie to look at Daddy, not me. This special kind of help I call a "Royal Rescue."

I began, "Becky and Annie, do you know why Daddy brought you here today?"

Each child shyly murmured, "No."

Knowing I had gained their attention, I said, "You already know Mommy and Daddy have just separated. Let me explain a little more. You see, they want to try to work things out, but right now they aren't sure. I see your parents regularly, and I'm trying to help them decide what to do. Now, do you have any questions?" Each one shook her curly head, "No."

Then Henry swept his daughters into his arms and with a big bear hug said, "Annie and Becky, even though I'm not living with you right now, I'm staying close by. I promise to call you every day, and I'll see you as much as I can...you are mighty important to me and I love you so much!"

With that, I could scarcely contain my own tears and a solemn Henry continued to hold his girls tight. Relief flooded the room.

Controlled Separation: Guidelines for Telling the Kids
What your children need at the outset is your presence, support, comfort and caring. If they don't receive this nurturing, they are apt to be bewildered and suspicious when they inadvertently learn the truth or half-truths, as is usually the case.

The following guides for telling your children can spare the whole family undue angst.

Discuss your pending separation after you set the time limit and you know which parent will move out.
Do your best to arrange for both parents and the children to get together as a family unit to talk about your pending separation. Plan to meet two or three days in advance so the youngsters are not taken by surprise when one parent moves out.
Explain that your separation is a temporary arrangement. Emphasize this is not a divorce. Expect your children of any age to react. Comfort the kids if they cry. Whether or not you cry right along with them, don't apologize; instead explain, "Tears are a normal way for people to express grief."
Expect your youngsters to be afraid. The uncertainty of your marital status is bound to be disturbing because they fear for their future. Reassure them that both parents will still take care of them.
Encourage your children to ask questions, and expect them to want concrete answers. Do not be vague and say, "Oh, you're too young" or "You don't need to know." This is a put-down. If you are confused yourself, say so directly. For example, "I'm not sure right now when Dad/Mom is coming home, but I'll let you know as soon as I know what is happening." In this way your young ones feel included rather than brushed aside and treated as nonentities--as if they and their apprehensions are being trivialized.
Allow your children adequate time to express their feelings. Make certain your youngsters understand both parents are involved in the decision-making process.

This is an excerpt from Chapter 11 of Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage (Contemporary Books,1999) (More information located at http://www.leeraffel.com/about_cs.html)