The Identity Crisis: Discovery-Zone Mates

The Search for Self

If your coupling is already in jeopardy, nothing can rock the status quo quite like the onset of an identity crisis. To be swept into the vortex of self-examination is to travel uncharted territory. The intriguing convolutions of an identity search all but defy explanation. Like inhaling the mists of a foggy future, the experience becomes too cloudy to comprehend.

You encounter wistful dreams, and you're intrigued with spirited visions of events yet to come. My clients are inclined to refer to their experience as "a weird feeling that's hard to explain."

Midlife Crisis: A Developmental Stage

Never underestimate, however, the potential of a midlife identity crisis to take its toll on a partnership. The impact of this fateful event varies from couple to couple, depending upon the strength of their foundations. Experts in the field of human development view the identity search as a natural occurrence, a state in our midlife cycle that produces a catalytic force for change.

Psychologist Edward P. Monte, Ph.D., gives us a dramatic sketch of this personal discovery in his article, "The Relationship Life-Cycle":

It is a stage of self-examination, upheaval, major life transitions, crisis, reorganization and increased tension on most fronts. It is perhaps the most perilous stage for any relationship in that so many fundamental issues are at question at one time with so few answers immediately available.

The Split Self in Midlife

Your midlife inquiry may parallel that of a rebellious teenager as you struggle to be your "own person." At once you are beset with questions: Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going? You have a compelling urge to be different, to feel competent, to be important and of value in the scheme of things. You feel split apart, consumed with an urge to put aside the old in favor of the new.

Compulsion to Separate in Midlife

You have a compulsion to pull away, to separate from your mate, but you can't put your finger on it. You feel dissatisfied. You question the worth of staying married. You measure your own worth against the worth of your partner. You look at your life through a different set of lenses and see it as flawed. You get depressed. You see your mate's shortcomings, and you are angry. Your coupling makes a mockery of all you have or have not accomplished. You live with regrets.

If your partner is the one with the midlife crisis, you wait and cautiously walk a tightrope. You ask, "What's going on with you?" If the answers don't make sense (because people generally don't have the words to express the experience), you are left with a gaping hole in your relationship.

If you are the party who is inundated with thoughts of separation, you may feel unprepared at a loss where to turn, afraid to take action. In this case you live this as a disturbing sense of being incomplete, and your life feels like a contradiction.

In August, I will continue to address The Identity Crisis.

This is an excerpt from Chapter 14, pp. 182 - 184 of Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage (Contemporary Books,1999) (More information located here.)