The Identity Crisis: Discovery-Zone Mates

Two Opposing Forces

The desire to separate in midlife ushers forth a conflicted interplay of two controversial life forces: a push for independence at the expense of togetherness and a pull for dependence at the expense of individuation.

Togetherness refers to what is most familiar in the relationship. Individuation refers to breaking free and growing beyond currently acceptable relationship boundaries. This push-pull places a heavy demand on relationships and commonly precipitates a crisis that appears to come out of nowhere.

If couples are ever going to save their unions, the parties must first wrestle with an immense assortment of differing perceptions and possibilities that weave a web of complexities that touch the very core of their being.

To maintain the relationship, each party must sort out his or her priorities. A shift in attitude, from negative to positive, helps establish a viable connection. If no attempt is made to change and improve the relationship, then couples are prone to give up--seeing the old ways as expendable.

Composite Forces of a Midlife Crisis
The compulsion to separate may be so deeply entrenched in the psyche of one partner that it can throw the whole relationship out of kilter. Extrapolating from Monte's work on the midlife crisis, I see nine major life forces, which operate sequentially, alternately, or simultaneously:

The compulsion to self-examine is a developmental process born in the genes.

The search for self in midlife gives rise to the same dynamics as an identity crisis in adolescence.

Stable couple relationships can generally withstand the onslaught of ambiguity and stress embedded in this growth process.

Partners who are at cross-purposes bear the full brunt of a major relationship upheaval, as if the couple's rule book has been dumped on the garbage heap.

The "searcher" experiences a sudden dramatic change in demeanor, attitude, feelings, and personal goals but has difficulty explaining what is happening.

The other partner is caught off guard, finding these drastic changes too formidable to tolerate for long.

The "searcher" also is caught off guard, rent by leanings to separate from the partnership. Alternately trusting and doubting these inner longings, the "searcher" is torn by indecision.

Intuitively, the "searcher" knows the couple's intimate relationship needs a major overhaul, but intense emotional conflicts thwart quick resolution.

The CS helps partners bridge their differences, openly communicate on an equal footing, reforge their identities, and amicably resolve their impasse.

If you are the party who is inundated with thoughts of separation, you may feel unprepared, at a loss where to turn, afraid to take action. In this case you live with a disturbing sense of being incomplete, and your life feels like a contradiction. CS has proven to be a viable option when partners are torn apart by their marital impasse.

This is an excerpt from Chapter 14, pp. 184 - 185 of Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage (Contemporary Books,1999) (More information located here.)