Divorce: The Ugly and The Good

The Ugly Divorce

The crippling consequences of an ugly divorce are instigated by spite, greed, and revenge. When dirty dealings on the part of one spouse incite the other to retaliate, then the tempest escalates, keeping the family embroiled in controversy that often continues long after the divorce is finalized.

I know of knifings at worst, cynical backbiting at least, when parting is not of one's choosing. Vindictive contests only serve to spell more heartache for the "put-upon" mate and do more harm to children, who breathe the venom of parental hostility.

Unsuspecting spouses who are dumped without warning feel entitled to self-righteous rage. You are devastated--in shock--when a uniformed and armed sheriff's deputy suddenly appears at your doorstep one night to serve divorce papers. The experience of rejection is akin to being tossed naked into January waters. Regrettably, revenge can spawn more trouble than you ever bargained for.

One of my rejected clients, a man in his thirties, reported, "This is an insult. What does she expect--that I'm not going to fight back?"

No one comes out a winner in adversarial divorces. Everyone involved falls into the failure trap--feeling like a loser.

Predictors of an Ugly Divorce

The 10 most common behaviors that incite retaliation and precipitate an ugly divorce follow:

Stay suspicious of your mate and expect the worst possible outcome--and you are likely to get it.
Blame your spouse--your mortal enemy--but not yourself.
Accept no responsibility for the demise of your marriage.
Remain defensive, inflexible and controlling.
Insist on winning every argument at all costs.
Be unwilling to cooperate with your soon-to-be ex.
Refuse to communicate with your spouse.
Talk only through your lawyer and remain inaccessible.
Seek to punish and get revenge.
Get embroiled in a custody battle.

When couples operate within the margins of heated antagonism, how can there be any hope for a good divorce?

Good Divorce: Parting as Friends

The idea of parting as friends is not for every divorcing couple. Some people want to nurse their wounds and keep an ocean of distance between them and their exes.

Parting as friends has been a fairly recent phenomenon in our society. In the mid-seventies all we ever heard about were the ugly divorces. Before I remarried, more than 20 years ago, no one spoke of a friendly divorce--a few barely civil ones but mostly nasty ones.

My husband, Mark, was a trailblazer, determined to stay friends with his former spouse. This made it easier for our daughters--two apiece. With weddings and funerals, we have all strived to be gracious in family matters that call for cordial cooperation. Life is too short for it to be otherwise.

The effort it takes for you and your spouse to be civil surely makes the divorce transition and recovery a merciful one. To be conciliatory is to lay rancor aside and spare your loved ones unnecessary grief.

A good divorce can be yours if you and your soon-to-be ex are inspired to use common sense and treat one another with common decency. What is to be gained by involving families in "taking sides"? How much easier not to become embroiled in a "contest of wills."

In October I will address Divorce Guidelines and Operating Instructions for a Good Divorce

This is an excerpt from Chapter 19, pp. 245 - 246 and p. 249 of Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage (Contemporary Books,1999) (More information located here.)