November

Sexual Excesses: Perverse Pairs

Affairs can be the knock-down-drag-out reason for catapulting spouses into an ugly divorce, or they can be a catalytic force for healing scarred relationships, drawing couples into a more intimate, durable marriage.

On your wedding day, how comfortable it is to assume your mutual love will mean loyalty, trust, and fidelity forever. But when the roof comes crashing down on the unfaithful one by the sheer weight of the discovered affair, you have a full-fledged marital catastrophe.

I define sexual excesses as any sexual liaison(s) occurring outside of marriage that precipitates a crisis in the marital relationship.

It takes a web of lies to sneak around. Infidelity represents a flagrant violation of trust and is bound to incite merciless retribution for most married folk - at least in the United States. In our culture sexual excesses are considered "just cause" for divorce.

Marriage and family therapist John Amodeo, Ph.D., in Love and Betrayal: Broken Trust in Intimate Relationships, tells us, "Although we may presume we are successfully concealing an affair, the truth has a way of seeping out in subtle or dramatic ways."1

Apparently, the betrayer subconsciously wants to get caught and apprehended. Not so mysteriously, evidence of the affair is exposed - unaccountable extras on the phone bill, unfamiliar ticket stubs,and questionable items on charge accounts. When the unfaithful spouse is nailed, a reign of terror is apt to follow. It is not so unusual for some contrite betrayers to experience a surge of relief when the truth comes out.

According to Constance R. Ahrons, the staunch, faithful mate considers the sneaky lies the worst affront of all - harder to swallow than the actual affair(s).2

Renowned couple therapist Emily M. Brown, refers to the affair as a "giant wake-up call," which is indicative of marital troubles that overtly involve both partners.3 Brown had made a major contribution to the field of marriage and family therapy, having astutely identified five types of affairs and their messages: Conflict Avoidance Affairs, Intimacy Avoidance Affairs, Sexual Addiction, Empty Nest Affairs, and Out The Door Affairs. Drawing on Brown's insightful work, let's see how these five types of affairs and their messages correlate with the "stay or go enigma."4

A word of caution: do not disclose sexual excesses if you suspect violence or destructive divorce litigation. Use discretion and take every precaution to protect your safety! It is essential to use good judgement in such potentially threatening situations.

Furthermore, you are not obliged to expose all sexual indiscretions when the damage done would far outdo the benefits of telling. What good is to be served by talking about affair(s) from the past?

The CS provides a forum for honesty whereby covert liaisons can be frankly discussed in a prudent manner. As you negotiate your CS Contract, a heavy dose of frank communication can be refreshing and lighten the load for parties who have had their fill of lies and deceit.

There are cases, however, when vulnerable rejectees find a candid admission of an affair a bitter pill to swallow. More than one grieving mate has said, "I wish I didn't know - somehow it would be easier."

If you are riddled with guilt and remorse, however, then disclosure - under the protection of the CS safety net - provides a sensible way to look at the hidden agendas that have placed your relationship in jeopardy. I know of no other therapeutic model that matches the CS in intent or serves such a lofty purpose. Here is a timely and humane opportunity to bridge your chasm and mend broken hearts.

Many rejectees choose individual or couple counseling to cope with the pangs of infidelity. Whether you opt for a CS or not, should it be too taxing to plunge into the devilish area of sexual excesses, then use a skilled facilitator. You wouldn't chance exploring the Amazon jungle without a guide, so consider therapeutic intervention before losing your way in your own treacherous marital jungle.

This is an excerpt from Chapter 13, pp. 161 and 169 - 173 of Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage (Contemporary Books,1999) (More information located here.)