December

Divorce

Bestselling author and marriage and family therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis perceptively states in Divorce Busting that "you can't make a person want the marriage to work if he or she is determined to get out.... You may be doing everything [almost] right and it still doesn't work."1

There are eight common reasons for divorce:

1. Chronic abuse--sexual and physical
2. Chronic substance abuse
3. Sexual infidelity
4. Trust betrayed by deception, lies, and emotional and/or sexual abandonment
5. Verbal brainwashing, which impairs self-worth
6. Falling in love with another
7. An intent to remarry
8. Personal safety and protection of children

Divorce can be a welcome reprieve from a bad marriage, but it isn'tnecessarily a panacea for solving all your problems. An increasing number of couples tell me they want to do everything in their power to strengthen their marital bonds, rather than risk immersion in the heated cauldron of a catastrophic divorce.

Many couples, like Amity and Warren, think long and hard about divorce. It was five years before Warren worked up the nerve to close the door to his marriage. Some parties frequently think about divorce, regularly threaten to call it quits, but never follow through.

The 10 most common reasons why people stay in less-than-satisfactory marriages are:

1. Loving one's spouse despite the spouse's serious shortcomings
2. Personal values--a staunch belief in the sanctity of marriage
3. Religious convictions--a vow never to divorce, which you intend to honor
4. Limited financial resources or complex financial entanglements that appear to defy and impede reasonable distribution of funds
5. Worry that additional emotional damage will be inflicted on oneself, children and/or extended family
6. Fear of being a one-, two-, or three-time divorce loser
7. Inconvenience of dismantling hearth and home
8. Poor health and lack of physical and emotional stamina
9. Fear of living alone. Sustained feeling of insecurity, inadequacy, and dependence on spouse
10. Ashamed of being considered a failure

The 10 most common behaviors that incite retaliation and precipitate an ugly divorce follow:

1. Stay suspicious of your mate and expect the worst possible outcome--and you are likely to get it.
2. Blame your spouse--your mortal enemy--but not yourself
3. Accept no responsibility for the demise of your marriage.
4. Remain defensive, inflexible, and controlling
5. Insist on winning every argument at all costs
6. Be unwilling to cooperate with your soon-to-be ex
7. Refuse to communicate with your spouse
8. Talk only through your lawyer and remain inaccessible
9. Seek to punish and get revenge
10. Get embroiled in a custody battle

This is an excerpt from Chapter 19, pp. 243, and 245 - 246 of Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage (Contemporary Books,1999) (More information located here.)

© 2000, Lee Raffel
All Rights Reserved

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