Book Reviews
Journal
of Family Life, Vol. 4, No. 4, 1998
Reviewed by Nancy Ost
It is no secret that the institution of modern day marriage is suffering. Yet on that day when a couple joins together, they deeply believe that their love will surmount any problems. Or one of the partners secretly thinks he or she will have the power to change whatever is annoying in the other. Or the whirlwind of courtship has disguised personality conflicts that only arise after years of living together.
The world is changing at such a rapid pace that the stress placed upon married life is profound. Not to mention the fact that people change as they live their lives. You may find that the person you married years ago is not the person to whom you are married today. So what do you do when you find yourself suffering in an unhappy married relationship? Are you trying to decide, as Lee Raffel's title suggests, do I stay or do I go?
Lee has been there. She suffered for years in a bad marriage. Then the experience of a good second marriage gave her the insights with which to help others. During years as a professional marriage counselor, she watched too many couples struggle unsuccessfully to get out of the mire. Her deep desire to help stop the pain motivated Lee to create a focused plan which enables couples to call a "time out," a time in which they can let the dust settle so they can experience each others' humanity again. In Transactional Analysis (TA) terms, this road map of Lee's encourages two adults, rather than two angry, hurting kids, to guide the relationship.
In this easy-to-read, very informative manual, couples in distress follow an explicit and compassionate guideline which allows them to separate, physically if need be, and emotionally, in order to put sanity back into their relationship. Lee's "controlled separation" (CS) model offers nurturing guidance, a reasonable time frame, and practical rules. Couples can use the book by themselves or with the aid of a professional. Within the CS framework a couple may find that they have grounds on which to work things out or they may decide that it is time to end their marriage. Either way, the decision comes from a well-thought out and heartfelt place.
As one couple commented after a three-month CS in which they "reinvented" their partnership: "The CS was a blessing. It gave us a chance to take the bull by the horns and straighten ourselves out. It was a relief to get reacquainted again. We could be private about our CS and for that, we are grateful."
Lee Raffel's timely book is profoundly deep and empathetic-true nourishment for the soul of marriage. She covers virtually all possibilities of occurrences and feelings. Every reader will identify with some situation. This is not only a book for troubled relationships, it is a good support for any couple. Thank you, Lee!